Fifa say Hell will host 2026 World Cup

Breaking News from the Telegraph’s Alan Tyers:

Hell will host the 2026 football World Cup after a Fifa report found “no reason” to overturn the controversial underworld destination’s successful bid.

A 666-page report seen by The Telegraph concluded that Fifa had acted ethically in awarding its showpiece tournament, and suggested Lucifer be compensated with “a really nice wristwatch, one with diamonds and everything” for having been put through an “unnecessary and upsetting” grilling.

Critics had cited the soaring temperatures of fiery damnation as a major concern for a summer sporting event, and accused the damned hordes of carrying out human rights abuses. But during a “fact-finding mission”, Fifa executive committee members found Hell to be a “first-rate facility”. “I could spend an eternity here,” noted one delegate.

Fifa was particularly impressed by “Hell’s well-organised system of circles where fans can listen to vuvuzelas” and watch England take on Germany in a penalty shoot-out until the end of time. One exclusive circle will even offer comfortable spike-style seating and a chance to enjoy the Fifa biopic United Passions (starring Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter) on a loop. ITV has won the sole broadcast rights in the UK, with Andy Townsend providing analysis.

Read the rest on the Telegraph’s website …

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