Funny Amazon product reviews
The internet has done it again. It has spawned yet another amusing way to waste huge amounts of perfectly good time: product reviews of some of
the more absurd items on Amazon.com. Tuscan Whole Milk for $99??!! And … more than 1200 reviews for this product!! Or a $6,000-speaker cable … or a jar of uranium ore … a JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank maybe? Only $19,999.95 … Or maybe just a delicious, “fresh whole rabbit” or a Male Testicular Exam Model Anatomy … or maybe, just maybe you always wanted a yodeling pickle??
As odd as some of these products may be, the reviews are truly absurd – and funny.
… I noticed to my surprise when I hooked them into my Mole-Richardson 4-Phase Warp-Drive power amp (hand built by a guy in india called Gandhi) The “gain” knob directly modified the temperature of the sun, which was very impressive. … ($6,000 speaker cable)
I ordered one of these Fresh “Whole” Rabbits, but when it arrived its head, fur and insides were missing. Not exactly whole, I’d say! Maybe it was just damaged during shipping, but I won’t be buying another one. (Fresh “Whole” Rabbit)
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty. (Uranium Ore)
There is the occasional adult humor, especially with some items
Finally, a rubber scrotum that I can use for exam training purposes. My room mate was going “nuts” (pardon the pun) because I kept trying to use his. I wish he wasn’t such a light sleeper. Oh well. (Male Testicular Exam Model Anatomy)
On my beach walks, I’ve found that the pickle can be carried around by conveniently tucking it down into the front of my Speedo. I’ve met tons of nice ladies on the beach since scoring the pickle. (Yodeling Pickle)
Some of the “product reviews” or not just funny or odd, but fairly elaborate video musical productions, like this one for the mystical Three Wolf Moon t-shirt (incl. a warning not to spill Tuscan Whole Milk on the shirt). Yet others are skillfully crafted pieces of literary art … could this be the birth of a new literary form? The Amazon review short story?
We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.
PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long… I will type as fast as I can.
DO NOT USE THE CABLES!
We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this… accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the… whispers… began.
(read the rest)
And some are just epic … like this one for the Tuscan Whole Milk:
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’
more below the fold …
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore –
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore –
Purg’ed here for evermore.And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door –
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door –
I resolved to have some more.Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!’
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core –
Merely this and nothing more.Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ‘surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor –
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o’er my dining floor –
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, ’til I said, ‘Well, hello, kitty!’
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, ‘Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!’
Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’